Archive for October 2010

Waiting…nesting… The final month of pregnancy

October 27, 2010

There’s nothing more physically grounding than being pregnant. Materially, you can be nothing but in the present. This moment is when my baby can now reach my ribs with its tiny feet. Now is when it rolls side to side, somersaults and flutters, eliciting laughter from my guts so cozy against its little body. And oooohhh, the heartburn from my stomach being pushed upwards, making room for this new life growing inside me; then, even more new sensations as the baby wriggles its way closer to its exit, and my bladder becomes squished between its head and the centre of my skeleton.
And the belly! Round as the full moon, elastic as a bouncy ball, solid yet pliant, vibrating with life! I appreciate the belly. I admire its perfect shape, it’s incredible buoyancy with a weightiness that grounds it inside me, so separate from my person yet part of the present me. It truly does ground me in the present. Separate, and yet one with me in Time, but only this very specific point in Time, as long as the pregnancy lasts, and no longer.
But then, there’s the calendar. Everything else outside of myself and the baby in the belly reminds me of the finite amount of time I have to be in this mode of being. And during this, my last month of my third pregnancy, an urgency emerges that takes me out of the grounded present and into the state of limbo that is WAITING. Oh, the waiting. When will it be born? What will I be doing when I feel the first stirrings of labour? Time is slipping forward, the due date looming like a binding contract that will most likely be broken (only five percent of women have their babies on their due dates, according to stats), yet so concrete. But this is nature – an organized chaos of inevitability, and I am stuck in the vortex of the storm.
My due date is this weekend, specifically, Halloween. There have been so many things I said I wanted to do “before the baby comes” and as they get crossed off the list, I become more and more anxious. One last girls’ night out – check (SO glad I made it to that one!). Vote in municipal election – check. One more activity with my family of four, before we become five – ongoing (like our movie/walk in the forest/play day on Sunday, which was so much fun). Finish my short story and get my online writer’s group to critique it – check.
I did not get around to another draft of my story, however. Another side effect of the last month of pregnancy is the “nesting” instinct. For me, I became obsessed in the last four or six weeks, with cloth diaper research. I won’t go into it here – there’s already an overwhelming amount of information on the ‘net about cloth diapering – but suffice to say that once I had decided to cloth diaper this baby, I didn’t stop until I had read EVERYTHING, and made a final decision on my budget and what exactly I would purchase to start me off on the cloth diapering journey (which I did try with my first child, and regret that I didn’t continue – it makes more sense for me now, however, especially since I no longer live in an apartment as I did back then, and don’t have access to cheap, bulk diapers, and the fact that I am now even more concerned with the environment).
And so my writing has been the sacrificial lamb of my last-month baby preparations. I regret that I don’t have a job outside the home – perhaps that would have distracted me enough that I would have only been obsessing half as much over baby preparations. But then, having two other children to care for, a growing belly to maneuver around and a household to run has been quite busy. And, I’m gearing up for my next National Novel Writing Month – baby or no baby, on Monday I plan on writing my first 1,500 words towards my 50,000 for the month (topic will be my YA fiction story I’ve had bouncing around in my head for a while now). And so, I begin to step outside the present, and focus on the future, with a baby who will be in my arms soon. Will it be soon enough? Or will I be insane with the scenarios on how this birth will go, and how my baby will look and be and fit in with its new family, by the time it arrives?
Next blog post, I’ll let you know.